I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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