She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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