if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My vagina just clenched in fear
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
