Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
