Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
