i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
