She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
