last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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