it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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