My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize