I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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