Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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