Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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