could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
