So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize