Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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