I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
