I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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