Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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