I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
