I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
