I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
