I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
