we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am available for nakedness
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
