Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
