My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
