I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just threw up on my dentist
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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