I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
