I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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