our cab driver is having phone sex.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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