roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
