i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
