I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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