Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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