peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
