i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
