I am in a vortex of obligation.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
