Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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