I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
