it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
