the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He passed out mid-signature
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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