i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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