so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
