i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize