I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
