Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
