Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's never too late to be topless.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize