Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
