last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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