I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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