Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
