remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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