Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
