i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im just a social blackout drinker.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize