I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
