I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
